What about Attachment?

Recently, I had a conversation with my girlfriend about a disappointment that I experienced around sex. In the situation, I believed the thought that I wanted sex. I believed in that moment sex would validate our and my connection to her. I also told myself that it would release some tension and give me pleasure.

During our encounter, she felt the need to express a grief that she was experiencing in her life, not connected to me. Afterward, she no longer experienced the desire for sex, but for connection. The result was holding and touch, not sex.

Here’s where my disappointment arose. Because I believed the thought that I wanted sex, I shut down in that moment. I experienced anger, frustration and disappointment. I noticed that I was no longer available for sex and barely available for touch. I was not unfamiliar with this experience but not grounded enough to talk about it.

So, I left the bed and did The Work (Also, Inquiry Based Stress Reduction, the scientific name:). What I found was amazing. I clearly saw that when she became less interested in sex and wanted touch, I told myself that she was keeping me from something that I wanted and needed, a sense of entitlement arose, which worked against me and her. I could easily have seen us reengaging in sex after enjoying touch and sharing feelings if I could have “rode” the experience out.

Instead, I shut down. In doing The Work, I saw that in that moment I lost attachment to myself. I was caught up in judgment of her and of me creating anger and resentment. If I had stayed with my feelings, I would have seen that this was a common experience with my mother. I wanted emotional connection from her and when she was not available, I shut down and became angry. In my anger I blamed my mother, disconnected from her and myself. The same dynamic was playing out with my girlfriend.

So, what is attachment? Yes. We learn it through emotional connection with a parent. And, we can relearn it again as adults, by not blaming others for our reactions, but by staying connected with our feelings and reclaiming our connection to ourselves. Our partners are our perfect vehicles for this because they trigger where we are stuck. The Work can help us through these situations. It’s simple, not always easy, and effective.